As a mother myself, I understand that motherhood holds both joy and challenge. It can be deeply meaningful, and incredibly demanding.
As a therapist, I also know the value of having a safe space to unload, gain perspective, and build relational tools to help navigate motherhood with greater clarity and confidence.
Over the years of practicing as a mental health professional, I have noticed patterns that seem nearly universal among mothers, and I have seen firsthand how therapy can help moms better understand and manage these tendencies.
We try to do it all
As mothers and women, we carry enormous mental and emotional loads. We are constantly thinking about so many things at the same time, while navigating social pressures and expectations that tell us we should be able to do it all, and be it all. We pour ourselves into our families and our children, often wearing many hats and carrying an immense, unseen burden.
Having an outside perspective can help us see that it is not only okay to drop the ball sometimes—it is actually good for us to do so. In many ways, it’s better for us, and it’s better for our children too. When our children witness us make mistakes, acknowledge them, and move forward, it becomes a healthy experience for both them and us. Our children and our families need to see our humanity. As a therapist, I’ve learned that when we give ourselves permission to be human, we also give those around us permission to do the same.
When children observe us making mistakes, taking responsibility, and repairing ruptures, they learn that being human is safe and acceptable – and that mistakes do not make or break our mothering. Research shows that children who witness their mothers/parents acknowledging failures and making amends fare better relationally than those who do not.
Therapy helps neutralize the pressure to be perfect and normalizes our struggles and shortcomings. It reminds us that we are not alone – we are all in this together.
We live our patterns
So many of us end up living our patterns instead of living our lives – often without even realizing it. As the decades pass, we may come to see that these unexamined patterns have quietly been handed down to our children. Examining the (often unspoken) norms we grew up with can help us identify the patterns that continue to shape our lives. When we change our patterns, we change the direction of our lives.
Therapy is the best place to do this work. It gives space to zoom out and examine your life. Beginning therapy helps bring awareness to our blind spots and can be a powerful gift that extends through the generations in our families. Intergenerational patterns are in every family, yet many of us remain unaware of what ours are, or how they shape our relationships. Therapy helps uncover these patterns, create understanding, and provides the opportunity to address and change them – so the legacy we pass on can be an intentional one.
We over identify with our children’s shortcomings or struggles
As moms, there is a tendency to use our children’s behavior as a kind of report card on our parenting. When our children misbehave, push back, or receive a poor report from a teacher or coach, we often internalize it and wonder where we went wrong. We silently blame ourselves and secretly believe we have failed.
Yet we rarely do this with our children’s successes. It’s not often you hear a mom say she is responsible for her child’s good grades or achievements. She may feel proud and happy for them, but we don’t tend to take responsibility or ownership in the same way we do when our child is struggling—at least not with the same intensity.
Therapy helps us unravel this dynamic and creates space for our children to be who they are, rather than extensions of our own worth. This allows us to come alongside them with steadiness and support, without our own emotions driving how we show up as parents. It changes the questions from “how do I fix this” to “what does my child need and how do I come alongside them and support them in acquiring it.”
We invest in everyone else
As mothers, we often serve as nurturers, caretakers, and home managers. Our to-do lists are long, and the needs, wants, and preferences of the people we love most are always on our radar. Too often, however, we place ourselves last on that list—or leave ourselves off it entirely.
Therapy is one meaningful way to care for you – to take good care of your children’s mom and your partner’s wife. It helps bring perspective and gently shift patterns that keep us stuck in chronic self-neglect. When we invest in ourselves as mothers, we invest in the people we love. The benefits ripple outward, strengthening not only our own well-being, but our relationships and our families as a whole.
We create peace for everyone else
But we forget to cultivate it for ourselves. As women, we tend to avoid upsetting others, struggling when people are displeased with us. We may silently suffer in order to maintain outward harmony in our relationships. However, peace at a price is no peace at all.
Therapy can help align our thinking, feeling, and behavior, teaching us “self-diplomacy”- the ability to speak our truth with love and leave it there. It encourages us to tolerate small moments of discomfort – like expressing our needs or setting boundaries – for the long-term benefit of living authentically. True peace, it turns out, often requires tolerating a bit of discomfort at first.
To end
As a therapist I have learned we are far wiser to learn life’s lessons without having to live every one of them ourselves. Save yourself the wasted years and gain insight through the wisdom and perspective of a skilled therapist. Invest in you, spare yourself unnecessary exhaustion. Give yourself a place to find relief and validation.
Written by: Michelle Brown, MA, LMFT – Check out MB Counseling (www.mb-counsleing.com). We have wonderful professionals ready and able to help. We will work with your insurance, or offer a reasonable cash rate. We want to support you.
Michelle Brown, MA, LMFT
